


i'll take my heart clean apart if it helps yours beat

by nevermindthewind



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, Post 5x20, a bit of angst for your monday morning, but it ends happy i promise, spoilers for show me going obvs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 13:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14570262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevermindthewind/pseuds/nevermindthewind
Summary: The squad deals with the emotions that follow the Brooklyn Heights shooting. Some more than others.





	i'll take my heart clean apart if it helps yours beat

**Author's Note:**

> The plan was to finish the next chapter of the camp fic but then this episode aired and I couldn't NOT write something. So here we are.
> 
> This was originally posted to tumblr but I made a few little edits before uploading here.
> 
> Title from Two by Sleeping At Last

“I kinda feel like I’m lurking…”

 

Amy can feel Rosa roll her eyes. 

 

“Gina, get in her here.”

 

Gina lets out a squeal as she wraps her arms around Rosa’s other side.  The three of them stay like that for a moment, longer than Amy would’ve ever expected from Rosa.  It’s then that Amy realizes just how scared she must have been, how lonely she must have felt without her squad with her in one of the most dangerous situations a cop could be in. It’s one thing to train for these sorts of events, but it’s another thing entirely to be there, to actually hear the gunshots and see the chaos unfold.

 

“Alright, we’re done,” Rosa says after a beat, causing both Gina and Amy to let go of her.  

 

“How are you?” Amy asks, unable to help herself.

 

“I’m tired,” she answers honestly. “And drained. But I’m okay.”

 

Amy nods, understanding that Rosa of all people is not one for emotional revelations.

 

“We love you, dude,” says Gina, giving Rosa a light tap on the shoulder. 

 

“Yeah we do,” Amy adds.

 

Rosa lets out a groan.

 

“I love you too but if you guys get sappy on me right now I swear to god…” She takes a breath. “Like I told Jake, all I want to do is drink a beer. Preferably in silence. Okay?”

 

Amy and Gina lock eyes for a split second before turning back to Rosa, nodding in agreement.

 

“Got it,” says Gina.

 

Amy gives Rosa a small smile. “Whatever you need.”

 

\--

 

The whole squad heads to Shaw’s after that, and while there are some snippets of conversation, it’s definitely more subdued than usual.  Amy finds herself flitting between Rosa and Jake, wanting nothing more than to be close to both of them.

 

At one point it’s just her and Jake at the table, Rosa having gone to the bathroom and the rest of the squad either up at the bar or playing pool.  Amy has a grip on Jake’s arm and has yet to let go since they sat down over an hour ago. She can’t help it. She has to keep him close in order to remind herself that they are truly safe.

 

Rosa could have died today.  One of their closest friends could have been shot and killed.  

 

As if he could read her thoughts, at that moment Jake leans over and plants a soft kiss on her temple.

 

“We’re all okay,” he murmurs into her hair.  

 

Amy sighs as she melts even further into his side.

 

“I know.”

 

They stay like that for a brief moment before straightening up as the Captain approaches.

 

“Peralta,” he says as he reaches the table. “I just wanted to say how proud I am of you for changing your mind and not going into the shooting.  I truly thought you were going to ignore my advice and track down Diaz, and well…”

 

Amy stops listening after that, the words  _ changing your mind _ and  _ going into the shooting _ replaying in a loop in her head.  What had Jake been doing while she and Gina were in the bathroom? Had he -- had he tried to follow Rosa into the shooting?

 

She turns to face Jake to see his eyes fixated on his lap, refusing to meet either Amy or Holt in the eye.

 

“Jake?” she asks, her voice deadly. “What’s he talking about?”

 

Holt raises his eyebrows. “Oh my, I didn’t realize -- This is terribly uncomfortable.  I’ll be leaving now.”

 

This is the first time Amy has ever let Holt be the one to end a conversation, but she’s too mad to care. Jake has yet to meet her eyes which can only mean her suspicions are correct.

 

“Did you go to the shooting?”

 

A pause.

 

“...No.”

 

“You’re lying.”

 

He finally drags his gaze up to meet hers, and she can see the guilt in his eyes.

 

“Okay, I might’ve tried to go out to Brooklyn Heights.” Amy freezes, her grip on his arm tightening. “But I didn’t end up -- Holt convinced me not to!”

 

“But you wanted to,” she says quietly. 

 

“Ames…” he starts, his eyes pleading.

 

“No, don’t Ames me. You were going to go out to that hotel and try to be the hero again, weren’t you?” she says, her voice staying quiet and controlled. Which is weird, because she feels everything  _ but _ in control right now.

 

“Well I had to do  _ something _ . I couldn’t just sit there and stare at the wall while my best friend was all alone in the field -- Where are you going?”

 

Amy doesn’t even notice she’s standing, but she is.  Somehow she’s gotten onto her own two feet without even realizing it.  The walls feel like their collapsing around her and it’s taking everything she has not to scream or cry or destroy the nearest appliance she can get her hands on.

 

“Outside,” she manages to choke out before her legs begin to move her towards the front of the bar.  

 

“Amy, wait!” 

 

She can hear Jake scoot out of the booth and follow her, but she doesn’t care.  She just has to get outside, out where her mind can actually think. Once outside, Amy begins to pace back and forth on the sidewalk, trying to formulate any sort of cohesive thought other than pure anger and fear.

 

Seconds later the door opens and Jake is there, looking frantically around for her before spotting her agitated frame.

 

“Amy, you gotta let me explain --”

 

Amy stopped and turned to face him, her lips pursed in a line so thin they had practically disappeared. 

 

“No, Jake. I don’t.  Did you even think before you just decided to run right into the hands of multiple gunmen? Did you stop to think for  _ one second _ about what might happen if you went in and got hurt? Or…” She can barely get the word out. “...or killed? No, you didn’t. Because all you thought about was being the hero. Being the one who saves the fucking day. God, Jake, this isn’t just your life anymore! If you went out to that hotel and something had happened to you out there I don’t -- I don’t --”

 

There are tears freely falling down her face now, whether they’re from anger or fear or exhaustion she doesn’t know.  What she does know is that Jake has pulled her into an embrace so tight it almost hurts. Amy instantly tries to recoil, but Jake remains steady, not letting up until she collapses into him and wraps her arms around his waist.

 

“I can’t lose you,” she whispers into his chest.

 

Jake holds her for a moment, letting her cry as he plants a lingering kiss on the top of her head.

 

“You wanna know what made me change my mind? About going to the hotel?” he asks after a bit.

 

She nods against his chest but doesn’t say anything.

 

“I kept thinking of you. How if I was in that hotel and something happened, then I would’ve not only hurt myself but you, too. I don’t want to be a hero if that means there is even the slightest chance that I hurt you, Ames.  And I definitely,  _ definitely _ don’t want to leave you. Even when we’re super old and wrinkly and smelly, I still don’t ever wanna leave you.” 

 

A breathy laugh escapes from the back of her throat.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t think everything through before I went all John McClane on everyone,” he says seriously. “And not just today, but with Kevin and the safe house, too. You’re right, I’ve gotta start thinking about how my actions affect you. I love you so much.”

 

She can feel the tears start to form in her eyes again, this time not out of anger but out of pride and love for this stupid, wonderful man she’s about to marry.

 

“Hey wait --” Jake says, looking down at her in concern. “Don’t cry, Ames. What else can I say to make you believe me?”

 

“No it’s not --” she starts.  brings a hand up to wipe her eyes before she tries again. “I do believe you. I just -- I love you, too.  And you’re right, we’ve both gotta be more careful, okay?”

 

Jake nods, his eyes wide with sincerity. “Okay.”

 

Amy finally brings her gaze up to meet his and leans in to give him a gentle kiss.

 

She has a feeling this conversation is far from over.  But even still, she also has a feeling everything's going to be okay.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and comments if you feel so inclined, they always make my day. (:
> 
> And feel from to come hang out with me on tumblr @nevermindthewind


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